good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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