I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
