We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
