You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
