is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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