I just threw up on my dentist
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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