so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
