My liver just broke up with me...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
