I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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