i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I can't turn off my feet"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
