i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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