Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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