totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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