I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
