I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
