Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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