So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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