Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
