I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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