Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
