Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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