Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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