I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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