Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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