I wish you could order shots online.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
