my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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