I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
