Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
