Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
