90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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