So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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