Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
