'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
