we're chasing vodka with high fives
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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