I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
