I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
