a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
