i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
