Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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