i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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