Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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