I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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