Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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