so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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