i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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