just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
