i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
