Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
