meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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