Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
