My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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