How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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