Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
