fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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